The thorn in the dark

Is a blind woman’s life worth anything?
Are blind babies also proclaimed to be bundle of joys by their daddies?
As I grope for a direction to my father’s heart, I find written at its entrance ‘right of admission
reserved’, with my name as acaption.

Your acceptance has always been of paramount importance.
Internalising the rejection from my esteemed attachment figure still leaves me in a state of complete shambles.
I would give anything to feel the warmth and love that every offspring deserves.

I would give anything to have your all-embracing arms as pillars of my emotional well-being and security.
My ears itch with a longing to hear you say you love me, as you do to your other progeny.
I yearn to see the world through your eyes, and for your smile to light up my existence.

Just when I thought you were giving me attention, I realised that it was of a perverted nature.
I fell prey to the contamination of my perception of men at the hands of my male idol.
you took it upon yourself to instil the cognisance of my worth only being what you were subjecting me to.

I devised an escape route from my dirty body, as I constantly watched a molester on top of a flat chested blind girl.
No amount of tears could wash away the sting or your smell on my flesh.
This attack was surely a thorn in my darkness.

As life ‘happened’ for a distained blind girl, I craved to crawl in to a comforting lap, nestle my head in to a soothing chest, and let out a deep relaxing exhale.
The quandary has always remained that the very lap to be the shield, was that perpetrating infliction.

I have been deprived of huddle ups.
No foundation was layed for me to trust, and have a confidante.
Divested of unconditional love, support, and an actively interested begetter.
You being a positive role model will eternally remain a figment of my imagination.

Many times, I have wondered if I had played a role in the execution of your resentment.
Was it being born encircled with darkness?
Could it have been my need for love and affection?
Or the truth of the matter is a blind woman’s life is worth absolutely nothing but to be misused and abused.

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